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Always be yourself
You are uniquely made for a reason

Not feeling like myself (Letting go)

Now I actually wrote something on this topic before but I decided to rewrite it because this is how I actually feel now. In the past month, I realized I was losing myself...I was in a relationship and I wasn’t being myself in it. I spent the whole of the relationship trying to be something I’m not or trying to be a perfect girlfriend and try to do everything right. I would do the things the person wanted me to do and I did...I was in my head like, “ If I love them, then I shouldn’t have a problem doing things for them”. I took me about 7 months to realize I wanted out….I wasn’t enjoying the relationship any more but I would think I was having negative thoughts and I needed to push it out the way….but really that how I really felt at the time. The bliss of being in love was so much to me...I enjoyed it but I was so blinded by it that I couldn’t tell my own unhappiness. I have numerous posts that I made expressing how I was feeling around those times. I learnt to realize that beforehand, I wasn’t that emotional….I would have times but it wouldn’t prolong for weeks or months. I was conflicted with myself. I felt like I was changing for this person and not for myself. I’m not gonna say the person is bad or this person was controlling me…..I think they generally thought they were doing good for me...helping me become a better person and I learnt things from them but I just didn't feel right after a while. I remember when they told me I was ‘emotionally unstable’ and have ‘delusions’.....and now you would think I would get mad but I didn’t...I actually agreed with them. I thought I was being too emotional and letting my feelings and my mind control me. I think because I’ve never been so open before...it just made that situation worse for me. I found it amazing that the person told to fix myself and I was damaged...and didn’t even know the back story of why I am the way I am. They didn’t even want to know because it was “negative energy” and I was a ball of negative energy. I literally sat there and I believed all of that.

The person eventually broke up with me...and that was the day I broke...I was literally getting desperate...begging to give me another chance. I had no idea why I got desperate because as said before….I wasn’t happy anymore...the relationship wasn’t fun anymore...I couldn’t even send a video that I found interesting without the person questioning “why the hell you sending me this shit?” then start questioning me and blow it up into a big deal. The person then said “you would have to impress me to fix this because my patience is exhausted” and that was what I tried to do and almost every single time, the convo went left...and guess what...I still keep on trying. After a while, I just stopped because I got tired of feeling embarrassed and being mad at myself. I sent a message stating I wanted to be alone, I wasn’t feeling like myself anymore and I needed to let go. We agreed but stupidly we still texted after that. I even remembered the person video called me and I was so confused. Stupidly, again, I picked up the call and it like they expected the convo to be like all the other convos we had before...after realizing they didn’t really have to reason to call me, I asked “This is what you called me for?”...then the person hanged up the phone. I sent a text stating how I felt about that, basically, our relationship is not the same anymore and I felt weird in that call. Now the funny thing is that...we have a class together….we have similar majors so we can’t escape each other. In a moment of weakness, because I was constantly thinking about the person, I sent them a text...knowing that the response was gonna hurt but I did it anyway. You know when you send a text that had meaning to you and you get back a dry ass reply….yup that happened...but oh no, it wasn’t words...it was a thumbs-up emoji.

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Again I expected to get hurt from the reply...I literally got an instant headache and started to cry but a few minutes passed and I felt numb but in a good way. Of all my 19 years on this planet, I’ve never felt close to nothing before and it felt good. The next day I felt better...the day after...even more...a week has passed and I feel the happiness I’ve been since this year has started. I honestly believe that stupid thumbs up emoji was the catalyst for my heart to make it finally realize that “Hey, maybe I am tired of feeling like this”. I feel like it took a lot out of me to just accept it was over...I mean its a lot coming from talking to a person for hours and hours, leaving your house to see them, talking about the future with each other to barely talking at all. I feel so much happier honestly...I feel like weights have lifted off of me...the clouds around my head finally passing. It’s only been like a week and I feel so much like myself again. The name of my blog is called Learning, Expressing & Being Yourself and I was more expressing myself this year, not being my full self for majority of this year and I’ve learnt so much of myself towards the end of the year. I literally made this blog out of me feeling so much that it was hurting me from a relationship that slowly made me unhappy and I wasn’t really me in it.

This is honestly the best I’ve felt in a long time and I’m gonna keep this up. Now as I said before, the person and I are gonna have classes together...but I don’t care...the best thing is that everything online so I don’t have to worry about seeing the person face to face for a long time hehe. I hope you, well can I say enjoy?...this kind of story, a piece of my life that was pretty hectic and took a good portion of my year. I can't say I hated being in the relationship..it had great moments, really lovely ones but I guess some good things come to an end right? I'm not sure, but I have a sense that a lot of people go through things like this when it comes to relationships...the funniest thing is that this was my first proper, serious relationship and that happened. I believed we met by fate, I don't believe it was a coincidence, but from the looks of it, it wasn't going to be a "happy ever after". I don't hate the person, still have love for them, but I learnt down the line that it wasn't meant to be. One of the things that were the downfall was....we weren't friends...we literally talked for two weeks then starting dating...I HIGHLY do not recommend this. Please get to know the person first for at least a month or two...it really makes no sense that you're still in the "talking stage" while being together for some months...rushing it makes no sense and it just causes problems. Also, take your time when talking about certain topics...start small then build your way up until an appropriate time...don't talk about something extreme 3 weeks in...please don't. At the end of my posts, since recently, I talk about happiness, and I’m really annoyed at myself to be putting a message out there that I wasn’t even applying to myself but now I am and I truly hope and wish you do it also. Feel free to share thoughts about relationships, I'm eager to hear hehe.

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I hope you're at your happiest if not, it's okay...I hope you're starting or working on reaching the highest peak of happiness.

- Anissa (TheQuietGirl)

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